| In a particular order, Songs for Mithras |
[Sep. 20th, 2010|01:16 pm]
sweetadeleiiine
|
| [ | nonverbals |
| | accomplished | ] |
| [ | soundtrack |
| | Omnibus on Opening a Honey Jar | ] |
I have finally finished writing (I hope) Songs for Mithras for my new music project Bang On Time. Is 38 songs too many for a debut album?
Microexpressions:
Time is that friend
That tells us all we need to know
Eventually, eventually
Then say,
“I hate to say, ‘I hate to say I told you so;’
It wasn’t my place”
So I keep my friends close
And I never stop watching
My wrists
And walls
Dropping my crow’s feet
To spy every wrinkled age spot on those faces
Hating all undignified excuse
To save truths
‘Til they’re bitter and biting
And so unsweetly unpunctual
Wincing hard at every arm movement and gesture
To catch each one early
But they’re always on time
To be late
Cry of an old-fashioned modern girl:
I don’t want to do anything
Save write
But who has the time when
There’s all this cooking and eating
And fruitless modern tilling and
Empty paperwork to fill?
Out!
Isn’t it my god-given right as a downtrodden woman
To be kept?
Write?!
I’ll never tell:
Be be be
Bbblppth!
And that
My friends
Is onomatopoeia of decay
From delay
Of my precision pen
For what time is now?
If not then?
Beach bonfire:
Your light is very powerful
Darlin’
And warm
But it cannot illuminate
Heat
All of me
I’ll turn ‘round
And then
You’ll see
It plays in Peoria:
I went from Washington
To Illinois
On a lark
Singing bland as could be
You said,
“Describe what you feel, see”
So I grabbed that buzzard
‘Round it’s willing frazzled neck
Toward familiar wet climes
Of Oregon
And lord
The ugliest words came out of my monkey mouth and hands
So I painted myself in hummingbird colours
And now I eat lightning bugs for breakfast
In Texas
And I’ll be damned
I know it
If I don’t remember those
Seven days of Cambridgeshire
Ten in Sofia
And lies about how I’ve ever been to Illinois
In
The crowing daily haiku verse
That is my only sweet dessert
On this planet made all everywhere
Of simply different shades
Of dirt
The science of my sleep:
If I don’t stop
Right here and now
And write it down right here
Just how
Then it may never leave me
How it’s meant to—got to—be
And goddamn
This first draft
Is already so many synapses
Lost to the fallacies of memory
And time
So little silvery fishes
With your third-eye lit rainbow scales
Quit your brain-stem lickin’
I don’t want to dream
Mallard miscarriage:
When I awoke I remembered
My overbearing roommate’s father
Had separated from his wife
And moved in with their twelve day old duck baby
Quacking away, covered still in colours of afterbirth
Left in my charge by happenstance
‘Twas bitten by a bat
Which I set on fire
And watched helplessly
As the whole thing swiftly burned
In due, all began frantically searching
For that infant
‘til I clucked my guilt-ridden admission
And watched in unrelieved surprise
The sadly understandingly shruggings,
“At least it was very young still
Had not reached potential”
And I
Cried out
For any other interpretation
Horrified at knowing exactly what they meant
For shame:
I was born
Poised for greatness
And your abuses stole that existence
So all my songs are sad
And unsung
And every day I throw
A pity party
Hoping to share a celebratory laugh
Of getting over it
But no one ever comes
No one e'er come
Memories of an old baby:
Revelation and epiphany
Get thee far from me
Hindsight
Take your lenses
From my you-wearied eyes
Under these bright and blurry stars
I clearly remember all of the mes
Standing ‘neath them each and every night
And we are a chorus
Begging you in harmonious dissonance
To set I self free from us
The length of a cigarette:
Well it was so shocking when
You came to the shindig I planned
That it was like I threw a surprise celebration
For myself
Wearin’ fifty paper hats
As a tall dunce cap
Rerererelighting
My own blown out candles
To call your luminescence a trick
And the dirge was so dreadful ‘stead of ironic
That I made you leave and
Couldn’t run after
Because I get the shin splints
Well, they taught the health right out of me!
It took me two years to figure out
I can sprint on my toes
But you’re already twenty five revolutions ahead
And I’m mathy but I can’t figure numbers
I cut wrapping paper too short
For half a quarter of a decade at least but, so
This next year
I’m celebrating my birthday
With a mock funeral
And you’re the only invitee
Please respond si vous plait
I promise
This time
I’ll be the life of the party
Wolf howl:
I told you I didn’t think I was in love with you anymore
But now I know
I wasn’t in love with me
Kathy’s clown:
It’s funny how
I became
The you I feared
And you became
The me that I
Projected myself to be
Hahahahahahohohoho
Heee
Why don’t we carry handkerchiefs anymore?
Just:
You may think I just miss being loved
But that’s not so
I have love enough within me
For a few or more
(if you're counting)
And when I don’t open that bottomless carpetbag to others
I use it all where it’s woven
On myself
You may think that I miss loving you
And you wouldn't be wrong
I have tried other fields
Other ranges
They have risen up to conquer separating fences
To sow with me oats
Some wild
Others true
But I digresssssss
Mostly I just miss you
I just miss you
Ugly madrones:
I have always disliked navigating this strange universe
Without you, baby birch.
It’s not enough to know we are together somewhere
Somewhere place and time these words are strung not so
It’s not enough to sing this song aloud here
Empty of the meanings I won’t reveal because
Others are listening
And you are not.
Blue:
I know that maybe
The only thing would bring you
Back to me
‘Twould have to be
Your favourite colour overcoming you
But I cannot hope for that
No, I cannot hope for that
It makes me all shades of
The you I do not hope for
To think you might not know
I will never hope for that
Trouble waltz:
Don’t you know
The extent to which
I know I hurt you?
I know, I know
No no no
I know
Yes
I know
Cello suite:
When you’ll move to say, ‘stead of,
"I can’t help it; cannot help myself from doing so,"
"I am not wont to won’t; I am not yet strong enough"
That’s when you’ll know
You are
Doggone:
I used the memory of
Your Living Spirit
To get me through
The gosh-awful-doggies-escalating-sameness
Of each and every day
The familiar to and fro schoolbus route
From ages eight
To ten days shy of eighteen
Memorizing each house and yard
My favourite tree
What kind of fancy bark is that?
Shall I sneak off some morning to capture
The sun heating mist
From the stream beside?
And maybe
When I’m older
His sweet learned existence
Can tell me wherefore you peel so merle mottled pretty
But wait! Where are all the hounds?
God
In my pregnant doubt
Birth a dog here
Where I know none live
Plop! A pup!
But what of it?
And you, my love
In my pregnant doubt
Birth me affection
Where[fore] I know
None exists
I promise
This time I’ll believe it
Name that tree
That was you there
Every day waiting for my furtive photography
I’ve been distracted
Definitions:
My love ain't love
If it's ever not love
My truths ain't true
If they're ever untrue
I will put you ahead of myself
To discover what I need
Integrity won't blush
Affection can't compete
My love ain't love
If he's ever unloved
And I'm not true
If I don't constantly change
And the only beseechment left
My dear
Is that you do the same
And in willing that one thing
Our love will remain
Gold
Causing or becausing:
Oh, I know what I was before
And marvel that you loved me
I marvel at you daily
You cannot be perfect
But to me you are not far
I was wrong, now I am right
Causing or becausing
I love you just as you are
Just as you are
Open:
Don’t
You
Dare
Close that
Goddamned
Doggone
Door
On me
Haven’t you learned from my mistake?
I have
And I swear to you this time
I’ve found some real rightness
Really!
In the wanton willingness
To be wrong
And the unrefraining
Unrestrained
Unswerving unswearing
Of rightness
In anything else
Save this
Save this
Practice Makes:
I started playing by ear at the age of three
Everyone was disappointed that I turned out
No prodigy
I'd request Bach every lesson week
Putting my heart and soul into each piece
And when my muscles wouldn't fall where I'd told 'em to
I'd crash my fingers into all the keys
Until eventually
My frustrations had expounded into such fury
That I could create naught but cacophony
And I'm afraid I've applied
The same mistaken and childish principle
Here
A Lady of Many Talents:
I once knew a woman
Who could twist honesty into lies
And make them so
And she could sew
Beautiful blankets
Of the finest materials
And wrapped in them leave you cold
Could sing songs of hardship and overcoming
Before she died each night
Bring you in with sweet embraces
In the same movement send you out in fright
Oh, that shrew was unbelievably cruel
Wily as a fox enacting a coop coup
Manipulative as rope threatening to break free
Selfish as a pebble taking up space in one's shoe
Ridiculous in her claims of limerance
Demanding as a person ever could be
Stubbornly obstinate as a horse up a cypress tree
Proud, to the point of arrogance
A woman of many few words
All of which became horribly loud
She could spit out sentences longer and more sinister than the longest, most sinister snake
And only take a breath or break to stuff herself with the very last piece of cake
The sweetness of which had no effect on her affections
When she spoke in that familiar tone
My whole body wretched
She was delusional
Ugly
Foolish
And unapologetic
When that shrill voice of dissonance did issue forth
From me
Under such duress
I could not address
Would not cognizance
Even the smidgen's inkling of an inch
How my efforts 'gainst such had regressed
Yes, I was my mother, though I had tried not to be
But she is not me
No, I am sorry
I am sorrrrry
This is not a metaphor:
Though I've been known for uninhibited hyperbole
I'm sure as you are I was craaaaaaaazy
I am fulllllll of faaaaaancy feeeeeelings
Elaborate with words
But as far as I'm concerned
Integrity ain't something squawked by cunning birds
So
Let me build you a boat
I'll make it exactly to your specifications
If you want, name her Evidence
or Apology
Whatever you may wishhhhhh
And if you don't love what I be
Well, then
You can sail away from sorry me
Quite literally
I’m going to make a t-shirt that says, “I did it with logic”:
I know it does not suffice
To leave you the unsung songs
Of my pinked up heart
Out of the blue
In tones of seafoam, periwinkle, cobalt
To point out those even more others
Which I did not write
Or even write to mention, honey
To tell you I know
And you’re gold
And that I’m the pot
And I know you ain’t my kettle
And it isn't charming to pretend I’m southern
But
Boy
You are sticky and sweet
And I am sticky and sweet
Can’t you remember that
I wasn’t always a salty, slippery mess
So hard:
I remember growing up crying
Being mocked for fears
Extra punishments for tears
So I stoppered up those waterworks
And braved on through
It’s true
Anyone who was there could tell you
That I was strong and miserable
Even though I laughed, so hard
I think back now and remember
More of those days I pushed aside to carry on
I do the math and moan
Not even three years of any semblance of normalcy were at my back
By the time that I met you
It’s true
Anyone who was there could tell you
That I had seemed to be doing well
Because I laughed, so hard
I remember how we got together
And I wanted to but I
Just couldn’t get it together
So I said, "Why can’t you get it together"
And broke us apart
It’s true
Anyone who was there could tell you
That something was wrong
Though they didn’t hear me cry, so hard
I remember all those things I learned in school
Every single moment that I spent with you
How you taught me math and I moan
For all those moments I had the foresight to know
(Even in my deniable unhealth and lack of clarity
It’s true)
That, remembering, those rivers would endlessly flow
If I didn’t get to reminisce on them with you
You made me laugh, so hard
I remember just yesterday
Recalling you out loud among other memories
And my body shook, belly ached, eyes tributarried
Even though it’s been just as long as we were together
Since I’ve seen you
It’s true
Anyone who is here could tell you
That I am a bright balloon and
You make me laugh so hard
Twenty Oh [sic]:
You felt so comfortable
You were my first home
In the safety of your accepting arms
I let down all my hair
Dropped all my charms
And cried 20,000 hours worth of tears
And fears
Boy, things I had forgotten for years
Years I had cast aside to get by
Loops that threw me for more
That tire swing made me vomit repetition
That muck that is my lifelong sworn enemy
But it’s all out now
And I have rubbed the bad sleep out my eyes
Washed the smoke out my hair
Brushed the bile from my teeth
Scrubbed my skin back into pink
Cleaned the dirt off from my shoes
Learned to dress myself again
To find my home within me
And be satisfied alone
Even smilingly so!
I am surprised at me
I am exclamatory
And I’m not a baby, but baby, I’m new
I am shiny now, for you
And finally deserving
It wasn't you, it was[n't] me:
Oh, I've lost 26 years of my life
The hardest of all have been the last three
But the pain I've been suffering was unduly due
And I've gained the rest of my lifetime
Can I please spend it with you?
Oh, in the difference of your affection
I was grieving a loss I thought I'd already got through
And maybe you won't understand
Because you always had the love of a family
And parents that cherished you
Oh, but think on yourself for just a moment love
Could I have been anything other than addled in the brain
To let you go?
Set you free?
Make you leave?
Oh, boy, the things I told you I couldn't live with
I think on them now and laugh with bitter nervousness
That I was such a fool!
For I wonder now how I'm going to live without them
I want all of them
All of that
All of you
I was just grieving a loss I thought I'd already got through
Jealously taking it out on you
Oh, boy, it took me a loooong time to get myself back
To make myself better even than the me that we once knew
But I'm ready to love and be loved now
Can it please be you?
Oh, you know I've always been honest with you, dear
But back then it just was not clear
That I was grieving a loss I thought I'd already got through
And it would be pretty great to spend my life with you
Please come back to me:
Please come back to me, love
And if you do
I promise I will treat you with such kindness
So much kindness
Kindness so much better than has e'er been known, even by you
And I will never ask you to mention my love
Or even stop or stoop to point it out to you
I will sing your praises all the livelong days
And never ask the same of you
And I will tell you how ardently
I do love and admire you
As often as you can handle to hear
Such saccharine sweet little everythings
In those beautiful ears
And make wrapping you up with affection
My life's great work of art
And I will never ask you if you love me
For by your demure smiling presence you will make yourself known
Allllll that's required of you is your return
Please come back to me
Wilderness:
We are all strange
But we are not strangers
We are one of a kind
One in kindness
We should not fear
That which we do not know
We should seek to know it
To become familiar
With ourselves
With each other
To say, ‘stead of "You’re weird, they’re weird, that’s weird,"
"These waters are strange to me;
This is a boat I’ve not been on"
And gather up what we’ve learned
Into a heart knapsack
Unfurrow our brows
Wrinkle our brains
Board that ship
Sink those horizons
And find anything other than that
To be strange
Nonverbal crossing:
When you see me walking along the street
I hope you'll feel so compelled to meet
That your feet will do that talking, for
Regardless, they will have to speak
Will do:
I have imbued every object around me
With such sentimentality
That nothing short of love will do
From me
From any you
Nothing short of love
I can glance at one line etched
In the pale wrinkled back of either hand
And remember every moment
Wrinkled into the cortex of my brain
It's no talent
No accident
No stroke of genius
It's simply what I had to practice
To get through the gosh-awful-doggies escalating sameness
Of each and every god-damned day
When I couldn't get my slice of meringue
I tried to bite the clouds
And pretended
Then believed
I couldn't be happy without rain
And from the very moment I could think
I remember every snow-filled valley
Every sun-kissed peak
I have spent my life decorating my past
In prettier colours to make do
So that the underpainting that is at last now shining through
Lit by you
Reminds me that I'm always new
And nothing short of love will do
Pink:
If you are happy
Then I am so happy [for you]
If then that
Hardly more could make me happier
Seemingness:
So many different things look the same
From certain angles
But I promise as you get older
If you teach yourself new tricks
And learn yourself renewed lenses
You’ll spy the things that are
For what they is
Baleen:
If you allow yourself
With that imagination that I imagine you’re stifling
Just once
To see a place and time
Where I don’t disappoint you
Where I instead fulfill all your loveliest dreams
Wild and tame
Adventurous or mundane
That’s where you’ll find me
I know
‘Cause I swam
Through the deepest darkest seas
Of my heart
And my mind
And there you were
A light, alight in the abyss
And that is the pearl
I brought back to the surface
And here is where I’ll wait
Willingly wading in the clear waters
Of knowing you have merely to acknowledge
Wearin’ it weightless ‘round my neck
Tea timer:
My devotion may be questioned
But it shall persist
I am not in love with love
I am not in love with this
I am not in love with any thing or any one
Save you
And I will drown my heart in chamomile
'Til you realize this is true
Constant Moon:
No no, I am responsible for the darker side of me
You need only worry on what you can see
I am a beacon in a sea of night
And you, my love, the light
And though my movements toward you may seem
Infinitesmal
The space between us has forever forever been falling away
One sweet endless day we shall be together again
You can look it up!
It is written in the sky
It is you
You and I
Danny Boy:
I will make my home here
In this jamb
I will plant the gardens
That were planned
I will sit alone
In my wooden chair
Watching those flowers grow and change with every season
Jarring up their fruits and
Pulling newly noted weeds
Writing down all I know
Hoping to finally remember
All of it at once
Waiting in undulled fervency
To sing it aloud to you
If, coming through,
You don’t see me here
Pick the blackcurrants I so often rest underneath for shade
And you’ll taste me on your teeth
But don’t gnash, love
You know I don’t believe in time |
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